Culinary Adventures

We decided to eat out tonight. We owed my husband a dinner out so we told him he could chose the place and we would go without complaint. For many reasons, this is his night and it needs to be right.

He decided to step out of the box and try someplace new. He consulted a friend who shall remain nameless. This friend lives in HB, is on a budget like us, and has young kids. Jon asked for a recommendation for good Chinese food, kid friendly with reasonable prices. The friend was quick to respond with the name of a local place that will also remain nameless. This friend likes to eat out and has really good taste in restaurants so we thought this must be the place for us!!

When we walked in there were only 2 tables seated in the large restaurant…bad sign. But one of them was a family so we weren’t too worried yet. As we waited to order (about 10 minutes), we noticed the other table storm out for unknown reasons. They had received their crunchy noodles and dipping sauce (kinda like chips/salsa at Mexican joints) but had no drinks on the table…not a good sign, looks like service was slow. The place began to fill up…good sign. When we received our noodles, they were stale. The kids didn’t mind and they were really hungry so we kept them (although I did notice the table next to us sent theirs back and then didn’t like the replacements either…bad sign)

I got my water, the glass had lipstick on it. Not a huge deal…it happens. Got our soup, my spoon some type of food still on it…looked like a big booger. Sent that back too. Got our appetizers, Dylan grabbed an egg roll, and a long black hair. Now things are getting icky. While we were waiting on the food, Jon took the kids to the bathroom and we tried playing some games. The kids were restless, there was a lot of whining and it was starting to fall apart. At this point, our friend texts to see how we like the restaurant. We don’t answer that question. We avoid it by talking about how the kids are bugging us and will they take them off our hands. (turns out they can’t because they are having a hot date for their anniversary. But remember, I will not tell you who they are so don’t ask).

Dinner arrives. It was ummm…fair? I guess I can call it that. There was little flavor. Kung Pow had now “pow”, sweet and spicy had no “spicy” and the broccoli chicken, guess you can’t crew that up much. The fried rice was good though. But overall…not really good Chinese food. Not really good food period. In fact, about half way through I literally start to feel ill. The kids ate the white rice and broccoli, didn’t like anything else we offered. It looks like I am going to be making them dinner after all. Throughout the meal we got several more texts from this friend and his wife. Through the “conversation” it was revealed that neither of them had eaten there since High School…18 years ago! WE CAN TELL! This is not the type of place they would go, or take their kids, or ever recommend to anyone. It’s dirty, it’s old and it is not worth the money.

All of a sudden, Dylan has to go…NOW! Jon says “you take him, the men’s bathroom was disgusting”. Nice. We take Megan with us. The women’s bathroom…also disgusting. Megan went while Dylan did the dance and I cleaned the light switch with a wet paper towel. Whatever nastyness was on there was not coming off. I immediately washed my hands and vowed to leave the light on when we left. Dylan asked for Privacy which meant #2. I helped Megan wash her hands and started gagging at how gross the sink was. Dirty! Just dirty! I wouldn’t let her touch anything while we waited. I was starting to feel worse. The mood was lightened when Dyaln sighed “Oh Poop” after a big plop. We giggled. His belly was not happy. It was gross. He flushed. It rose. We laughed and backed away. We tried again. It rose again. The dirty, disgusting toilet was not going to take the poop. I told the kids “just pretend it didn’t happen. If Daddy has paid the bill we can run out of here and they will never know it was us.” And that’s exactly what we did.

I am getting more and more queezy each minute. Jon drove separate from us so he leaves while we eat our fortune cookies (the best part of our meal by far!). As we are pulling out of the parking lot, Megan screams “I have to go poop right now and it is an emergency” SCREAMS! I said “you have to wait until we get home because we are not going back in there!” She starts crying the words you never want to hear “Mommy, I swear it is an emergency. I am going to poop my pants”. She was serious. I pulled into In-N-Out and we ran in while she literally held her hand over her rear. She went. Again, it wasn’t pretty. I am gagging again. My belly is getting worse. She says “Mommy, my belly did not like that food at all”. Mine neither.

On the drive home I have three nasty burps which pretty much are the prelude to a violent eruption of the belly, through the mouth. When we walk in, Jon announces his eyes hurt, from pushing out all the vomit. Guess his belly didn’t like it either. Now I really want to blow. I am gurgling and burping and just…ICK! Unfortunately for me, my body does not like to vomit. I sit here 2 hours later still feeling ill and wanting to be D-O-N-E with that meal. Just burped again.

The evening wasn’t perfect for my hubby, but it was memorable. Burped again.